Everything seems so clear in the dark
When a cold wind blows
and the clouds rush eerie and swift
across the sky.
Singed with moonlight.
There’s a storm coming
*
There’s a strong will to die
a strong will to survive.
My nightmares come to visit creeping through the cracks
of my closed and barred door
Skulking in the blue shadows of my small and lonesome room.
*
There was spring, each touch new
There was summer, each touch warm and comforting
There was autumn, each touch reassuring yet fearful
Then winter, each touch painfully cold
Each touch yearning for warmth.
*
So I closed the door
Barricaded out the cold and held myself for warmth.
I hurt
Therefore I am.
*
Doomed always to be that one guardian angel
To hold and heal that broken-hearted sparrow
To be left holding my own shattered black heart
when the sparrow has flown
Fluttering-spluttering away
from my fearful frame
from my rusty barbed-wire halo
*
And again I dig my fingers into my fleshy chest
Tear out my heart to see if it still beats
to see if it’s still alive
or still.
*
It doesn’t hurt
I have no feeling
It’s not surprising…what I find
Black brittle heart-shaped coal.
It crumbles to bloody mud in my crushing hands
I try to be gentle…
I try…I do
but still it crumbles.
I try to hold it together.
Even a black heart of coal
is better than none at all.
*
I offer the bloody crushed heart
to anyone-everyone
but they turn and flee
in disgust, shame
but mostly fear.
*
Everyone fears what they don’t understand
I am no more human than a beast
They see me as an animal
a fleshy object
and uncomprehension breeds fear
and fear breeds hate
and hate breeds anger
and anger breeds fear
and fear breeds me.
So I became dark, faded and tarnished.
That angel in the shadows
always waiting
always silent
One hand always tentatively outstreached.
Hoping to touch the light
Hoping to open the door
to another spring
Wishing for a loving touch
Praying to a deaf God
for a new heart
for a lost hope
for the one he lost
to cruel fateful circumstance
created by a cruel, spiteful master
a cruel creator.