Tag: Despair

Grey

There was a little grey man

in a little grey suit.

Shoes neat ‘n tidy.

He got up at morn

and went on the world’s way

into the orderly grey yonder.

His little grey wife worked at home

his little grey kids at school

to be like their little grey father

in the Big Grey World.

One day the little grey man died.

They put him in a little black box

buried him in a hole

and forgot about him.

The Big Grey World had other little grey men

in little grey suits

with shoes neat ‘n tidy.

Throw Up the City

The city gurgles, throbs.The City

The city’s gurgling, throbbing heart

belches forth acidic hot

steaming shit.

A messy medley of noise, people

and earth-metal. Vomit.

*

The building

sunken in the granite ground

struggling to surge free.

Up on grey, lanky pillars.

*

In the seething crack

between the buildings hull

and the earth’s body

is the alley.

*

Overcast pipes cling stubbornly

to the stoney cement sick skin

of the building.

Embracing it, chaining it to earth.

Eating towards its fleshy

dusty innards.

*

Here’s where the worst of the city huddle.

Accumulates and is the unwanted.

People, things caught in time – this time.

They are filthy

and the city lives around them

on them.

They scratch cement from the city’s waste

and devour it.

*

Here where the building

breathes out hot, acrid air

through a gauzed throat.

An airy emptiness-hum.

On and on it empties its lungs

on and on…

*

The breath awakens a newspaper’s corpse

printed with old news.

Yesterdays.

It gets up,

rustled,

from the overcast cement

and runs across the alley

dying again at the other end.

Metal musicians plead

Here I am.

Leather smeared on their bodies

black as depression.

Suppression of the city’s people.

Only the city grows.

Lives in monstrous deformity

we and it wallow in its vomit.

It feeds

devouring

sucking out

the being

lifeblood

of its creators.

The Annihilation – 2nd Chronicle

The Annihilation 1 Autumn makes her cautious arrival

and with her

swift destruction.

Beings blind of simple beauty

crush the forest

under great slabs of cold stone.

Faeries flee to unknown depths

and cold blue-black places.

Pixies dash for safety.

All seek refuge elsewhere.

*

Ice days arrive and

I fear the desolation of clover grovesThe Annihilation 2

will remain unblessed with freshness.

I flee and seek refuge

elsewhere

as the pixies have.

*

And in the stagnant air of winter

when sadness

and longing for companionship is most

and past ages and warmth seem eternally exiled

I return to the desolation of the clover forests

with a silence and a cloak around me.

Wishing for a hint of what was.

*

Among the slabs

I see new fresh

leaves of three.

New trees grow

in tiny huddled green ponds

peering out at the land.

Among the brown is green

and in the stillness of winter’s eve

I see icy sunlight

and even sharper shade.

But in the shadows

peers a hope of forests

when the ponds will join.

The faeries will come

and the pixies and dwarves.

All join in the rebirth.

*

And my mind will once more

have a place to slumber

unhurried.

I will hear the distant water and play

with the little ones

in the cool

green shadows

under the four-leaved trees

in summer’s heat.

A Heart-shaped Coal

Everything seems so clear in the darkHeart-shaped coal

When a cold wind blows

and the clouds rush eerie and swift

across the sky.

Singed with moonlight.

There’s a storm coming

*

There’s a strong will to die

a strong will to survive.

My nightmares come to visit creeping through the cracks

of my closed and barred door

Skulking in the blue shadows of my small and lonesome room.

*

There was spring, each touch new

There was summer, each touch warm and comforting

There was autumn, each touch reassuring yet fearful

Then winter, each touch painfully cold

Each touch yearning for warmth.

*

So I closed the door

Barricaded out the cold and held myself for warmth.

I hurt

Therefore I am.

*

Doomed always to be that one guardian angel

To hold and heal that broken-hearted sparrow

To be left holding my own shattered black heart

when the sparrow has flown

Fluttering-spluttering away

from my fearful frame

from my rusty barbed-wire halo

*

And again I dig my fingers into my fleshy chest

Tear out my heart to see if it still beats

to see if it’s still alive

or still.

*

It doesn’t hurt

I have no feeling

It’s not surprising…what I find

Black brittle heart-shaped coal.

It crumbles to bloody mud in my crushing hands

I try to be gentle…

I try…I do

but still it crumbles.

I try to hold it together.

Even a black heart of coal

is better than none at all.

*

I offer the bloody crushed heart

to anyone-everyone

but they turn and flee

in disgust, shame

but mostly fear.

*

Everyone fears what they don’t understand

I am no more human than a beast

They see me as an animal

a fleshy object

and uncomprehension breeds fear

and fear breeds hate

and hate breeds anger

and anger breeds fear

and fear breeds me.

So I became dark, faded and tarnished.

That angel in the shadows

always waiting

always silent

One hand always tentatively outstreached.

Hoping to touch the light

Hoping to open the door

to another spring

Wishing for a loving touch

Praying to a deaf God

for a new heart

for a lost hope

for the one he lost

to cruel fateful circumstance

created by a cruel, spiteful master

a cruel creator.

The Dragon of the Night

The Dragon of the night stirs and uncoilsDragon of the night

in soft

timeless silence

It awakens and taints the horizon

in deep colours of sorrow

Begins slowly

to fly across the sky

on a tender

silent

darkening breeze.

*

Strands of sinuous smoke

rise from my cigarette

is taunted by the air

and torn apart

I watch all this

through my sad and hurt

deep blue eyes

My soul is crying

mortally wounded

In the comfort of

the Dragon of the night

*

The Dragon of the night

hides me in shadows

careless of my pain

The cold stars

twinkle in its eyes

on its scales

The silence is soft and hurtful

I’m dying

in the roots of my mind

In my soft mortal flesh

in the presence of the gentle

and distant

faint White Queen of Midnight.

*

I wail and cry tears of liquified soul

Deep fear, anguish and sorrow

I hurt

therefore I am

therefore I die.

*

I remember long ago

in ages lost forever

Forever is so long ago

forever is now

when I embraced

the Dragon of the night

and loved the Whan Queen

of the dark hours and they loved me.

*

They showed me

life and day

The Whan Queen graced me

yes she gave me grace and power

The Dragon of the night

loved me and cared.

He whispered to me words and emotions

in quiet solitude

in my empty mind

He helped me ride the storms.

*

I stand in the doorway

as a storm erupts

I stand as a crucified

as a damned

My hands on the frame

my head and hair hung down

The rain whips my back

and life humiliates…

Affraid.

AffraidLess than a god

More than a man

Nothing I do is right

Try as I can

*

It hurts when I try to feel

I try so hard

My doubts and fears punish me

for trying too hard

too much.

It’s just me

it’s my nature to be let down

kicked.

Spread my wings in glory

and fall

and crunch

and broken

and hurt.

I can taste my own blood.

Sweet

Bitter

Alkaline

*

Is this it?

My final destination?

To die in swampy mud?

In dispair?

Is this my nature?

*

I will kill myself by trying too hard.

Falling too much?

Or is it my nature

to kill ideas

feelings

even myself?

Am I simply

the guardian angel again?

Used and discarded

in grace

out of grace

In love

love taken back.

“I’m scared…

I’m affraid.”

I’m trying so hard…not trying at all.

And still I taint…feelings and company.

A lighter shade of black…sometimes.

I’m alone by choice?

By nature?

I’m affraid.

*

I try and still it’s wrong.

I touch and destroy a little

Hurt a little

Will I be alone again?

Oh, please let me die this time!

Will it last?

I would breath for her.

I’m so affraid

That she doesn’t know

Doesn’t feel

*

I feel so selfish on my own.

If I were with her would it hurt?

If I was alone would it hurt her?

Should I go?

To her?

Would I hurt her?

The frustration that could bring.

The pearls of tears.

The death of forever.

I’m so very affraid

of being without

of being within

of being.

Will it come to pass or will it pass?

I am so very affraid.

Revelations

My fate is sealed

I will die

Run me through

the evil eye

My God is gone

I tell no lie

I challenge destiny

no sleeping dogs will lie

My fate is sealed

I will die

*

I hurt

therefore I am

Coincidence kills

coincidence I damn

Life forced upon me

the battering ram

The lion regretfully ate

the gentle lamb

I hurt

therefore I am

*

The good in others

I seldom see

In him God

it cannot be

Masks of truth

the mortal me

Human animals

hate and glee

The good in others

I seldom see

*

Its my fault

I know

When love comes

when I have to go

So much harvest

so little to sow

The Lord takes his taxes

and leaves me low

Its my fault

I know

*

I ran to you my darling

I run to you my child

I run from lion and lamb

I run to stay wild

Like the horses on the plains

horses that God styled

Horses made of mud and clay

horses made for Christ child

*

Something went dirty

Something went wrong

Deep betrayal

man’s twisted throng

Man’s mind killed God

it didn’t take long

The created white noise

rang the creators funeral gong.

Tired Dreams

I’m tired of dreaming.

Stars twinkle in the pool.

All my dreams run dry.

I’m the local neighbourhood fool.

I had my good times

in winter evenings cool shade.

Now all I have are memories…

even they’ve begun to fade.

*

If only so much was different.

I watched the children play.

Some things would’ve worked.

So much would’ve been okay.

It’s easy to build towers

from the clouds in my mind.

But a single word

can destroy them I find.

So I’m tired of dreaming

in the softness of day.

All my dreams run dry

none are here to stay.